Yes, that's right. If you buy an Iphone, I hate you. I don't hate you like the way a girlfriend hates her boyfriend's mistress. I hate you like the black man dangling from a tree in Mississippi 150 years ago hates the white people who stare up at him laughing.

No, I didn't wake up on the wrong side of bed this morning.  I'm in a great mood today. Seriously. However....

Warning! I'm about to be an asshole.

In case you are not on top of this, the new Apple Iphone is supposed to be the launch of the century. Apparently, it's going to be bigger than Jesus or John Lennon for at least a couple of days.

There's just one problem. If you are convinced you need one of these, you are probably a braindead jackass. The Iphone has all these "brand new" features that everyone "really needs", right? The Iphone is about to revolutionize our culture, right?

Bullsh*t! The Iphone has combined a bunch of technology that has been around for 4 years and crammed it into a package that the layman feels safe buying.  No one feels like they really have to actually get anything done with an Iphone.   

Of course, for people who travel often and need to communicate constantly, the Blackberry has been a popular and very powerful solution. The Blackberry can play movies, mp3s, send email, has advanced internet features, is a phone, bla bla bla. No one cares. Why?  Because the Blackberry website uses the word "productivity" on it's homepage.

While some may see this concept of "productivity" as positive, for most it's a double edged sword. When you define laying on the couch or checking Myspace as being "productive", it turns out that the word "productivity" will actually inhibit your "productiveness". (In other words, if you are in a race to see just how useless of a human you can become, the Blackberry would be like having Rosie O'Donnel in your passenger seat).

The Iphone marks an all time slip into the Abyss of a sickening obsession and mindless competition of the acquisition of useless material possession. If I was to walk around all day for an entire month collecting dog turds in a bag, I'd official take the top spot as "Town Wackjob". However, I expect to see the equivalent of a Night Of The Living dead outside my backyard window tomorrow. That's right, DOG SH*T OBSESSED ZOMBIES ARE ABOUT TO INVADE!! Of course, they will be disguised as white collar people that will eventually do your taxes or sell you insurance. DON'T TRUST THEM!

Finally, 16 year olds can piss away a month of burger flipping in a way that is only paralleled by glueing a 3 foot wing on the back of a rusty 1993 Chevy Corsica.

Why We Buy
It's not that I'm against buying stuff. I have a music recording room filled with expensive stuff. However, it's the reason we purchase the things we purchase that is the issue here. I buy music equipment because I want to CREATE music.

I expect the most popular reason to buy an Iphone is going to be "because it's an Iphone" or "because it's Apple" or "because the Razor was SOOOO spring 2007".

The hardcore liberals are always bitching about the corporations being so corporationeeee (see Team America) but if they are so worried about the snake of corporate America growing too dangerous, why don't they tell the mice to hide? Why don't they let the other mice know just how dangerous it is out there. Why? ......Because it's an Iphone!